The most obnoxious types of people on Instagram ranked from worst to least worst

Before we dive into the hierarchy of attention-starved technophiles on the hell site known as Instagram, I’ll remind you that the internet is free and you’re welcome to write your own blog instead of hate-reading this one.

I decided I couldn’t conduct an accurate ranking since all of the following subject matter is equally repulsive, but I didn’t feel like changing the title. So, here are 5 types of people that suck on Instagram in no particular order.

The engagement updater

You know that question about a tree falling in a forest with nobody there to hear it? Well, that’s irrelevant now, because the defining philosophical thought experiment of the 21st century is way more dramatic:

If two people get engaged, but don’t saturate Instagram with staged pictures of them kissing in some pasture/garden/field, did the engagement actually occur?

Too bad we’ll never find out since every 20-something with an engagement ring treats their wedding date like it’s the countdown to the new millennium.

6 months till I get to marry THIS GUY 💏

12 weeks till I get to walk down the aisle with my love 👰🏻!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

19 days until we tie the knot 💍

I shit you not: people actually announce when the number of days preceding their wedding reaches the teens. Mind-boggling stuff here, folks.

Forget the humble sanctity of marriage or your subconscious fear that this guy will turn into a fat slob whose idea of romance is dragging you to tailgates with his old fraternity brothers, because for now, there’s only 426.8 days till you say, “I do.” 😊

The pyramid schemer

If there’s any breed of people that shrivels my hope for human progress, it’s pyramid schemers. Not only do these quacks have the gall to peddle supplements, beauty products, and God-knows-what else to anybody with an internet connection, but they manage to convince themselves that it’s a career. I’d say telemarketers are worse, but at least they don’t live in an iPhone-sized rectangle of delusion.

“I’m not part of a pyramid scheme! I just have to buy a starter pack then find 2 new associates! I’m actually so #blessed to be part of this amazing family!”

You’d think somebody who’s forced to copy and paste nauseating captions every day would lose their mind after a while. But they manage to look extraordinarily happy to be part of their ̶c̶u̶l̶t̶s̶ lifestyle brands.

Blink twice if you’re brainwashed.

The fit chick

As soon as I started typing this, I remembered that some Instagram fit chicks make my yearly salary in a month. But then I remembered that they’ve plagued this godforsaken app with their yoga poses and 10% off green tea detox codes and deserve to be roasted accordingly.

Go vlog yourself dropping a dumbbell on your toe. Maybe that’ll get more views than the glute workout you copied from Gymshark.

Fit chicks are like wasps: it doesn’t matter if you get rid of (unfollow) them, because there are infinitely more waiting to prey on your sanity and wellbeing. I have yet to find a way to block this entire segment of people, so until then I’ll have to ward off the flood of 800-word motivational captions, neon sports bras, and $25 acai bowls.

Anybody who has a “backup account”

Who needs health insurance when you can have a protection plan for your Instagram account?

If there was ever a red flag that you’re crossing the threshold into full-blown narcissism, it’s thinking your pictures are so precious that people must follow the backup version of yourself.

Let’s put this in perspective.

Donald Trump, the epitome of an attention whore, isn’t even delusional enough to create a backup account and decree that people follow it — and that dude could actually get hacked.

We’ll be waiting for you mouth breathers when you decide to come back down to earth.

Everybody who uses that retro filter that puts a 1998 time stamp on their pictures

Not really sure what these people are trying to prove. I mean, half of you weren’t even alive in 1998. What gives? Is 2018 not boujee enough? Do you want to swap that iPhone X your parents bought you with a disposable camera? If so, I know a couple homeless guys from my walk to work.

Nah, you just need to let everyone know you’ve found the ideal balance between “too trendy for Instagram’s standard filters” and “not trendy enough to quit this soul-sucking app for good.”

If you found this even remotely amusing, you should get my articles emailed to you once a month.