I rewrote Facebook’s privacy policy to clear things up (you won’t want to miss this)

Privacy Statement

In response to the 0.003% click rate on our Data Policy agreement page, we created a fresh, dumbed-down edition this morning to better explain how we collect, use, and store your personal data on Facebook.

We take your data very seriously. And by that, we mean we do everything humanly (and non-humanly) possible to stockpile all of your personal information to give it to advertisers, our internal employees (for a good laugh), and a host of other undisclosed third parties.

To be honest, we’re surprised you didn’t just click “accept” and blindly hand your data over to us. But now that you’re here, please continue reading if you’re in the mood for mild anxiety and outrage which will be relieved by offering your two cents in the next sociopolitical controversy.

What personal data do we collect?

Perhaps a better question is: what data don’t we collect?

Remember when you shit-talked that guy you met last week and he showed up on your list of suggested friends? All us. We also know how many cans of White Claw you have in your refrigerator, what kind of refrigerator you have, where your refrigerator is located within your kitchen, and how many times you pooped last week.

We trace your eye movement and that weird facial twitch. You really thought that piece of tape you put over your webcam could stop us?

We may…scratch that…we will collect your deepest, darkest secrets, your hopes and fears, your dreams and regrets. We are legally permitted to peer into your soul.

Don’t act all shocked and offended. This is a pretty sweet deal in exchange for a cesspool of fake news, advertisements, and xenophobia.

Why do we collect this data?

If you know of an easier way to make money than sitting idly while a quarter of the world’s population voluntarily forfeits their private information so we can sell it for billions of dollars, contact us immediately.

Do we share your personal data with other parties?

You bet.

Typically, we pin foreign data mining companies against each other in illegal bidding wars on the dark web to see who forks over the most cash for your information. And on slow days, we have our interns print out copies of your browsing history and hand them out like flyers.

Your privacy rights

You have the right to know that we do everything outlined above.

How to manage, hide, or delete your data

Lol.

How to leave Facebook if you’re fed up with all of this

Try it. Go ahead — we’ll wait. It’s like trying to scale the fences of Alcatraz. In fact, we have an entire department devoted to making it as difficult as humanly possible to escape Facebook. So delete your account, get a flip phone, and move to Siberia. Obviously you didn’t hear that we stalk non users, too.

Your only hope is leaving the internet for good, which we calculated to be even less likely than it is for users to read Facebook’s actual Data Policy.

Storyteller, provocateur, bibliophile. For book rec’s and history lessons 👉 DominicV.net

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