How to Have a Beach Day In LA

The beach!

Each year, Los Angeles County’s beaches attract more than 50 million visitors, including tourists and locals alike (that’s more than the entire population of Afghanistan!).

“Go to the Beach” consistently ranks among the most commonly recommended activities for any Angeleno to do, but it can be a tad overwhelming, especially if you’re a newcomer. Accordingly, you may benefit from a guide, an instruction manual of sorts, to ensure your LA beach day is as fun fun fun as humanly possible.

Let’s “dive” in, haha.

How to Park

Assuming you don’t live within walking distance to the beach, you’ll need to find a place to park your car. Fortunately, the Los Angeles County Department of Beaches and Harbors has 19 very large parking lots and one Recreational Vehicle Park along the coastline.

These lots can get crowded, especially on the weekends, so make sure to follow these instructions closely.

Weave through the one-way paths in the lot at a maximum speed of 2 (two) miles per hour, waiting for someone to pull out of a space. Get honked at by various beachgoers who are in a bigger hurry than you are. Repeat this process for 8–40 minutes until you find a space that you probably shouldn’t squeeze into.

After you exit your car and accidentally whack your door into the vehicle that’s parked basically on the line (don’t worry, it’s just a small scratch) find the nearest pay machine. Here’s how it works:

1. Push the button to start the system
2. Forget your stall number (otherwise known as your parking spot)
3. Walk back to your car to determine your stall number
4. Return to the pay machine, which asks for your license plate number
5. Forget your license plate number
6. Walk back to your car to determine your license plate number
7. Return to the machine to complete the transaction
8. Have your card declined
9. Use another card until the transaction is complete
10. Return to your car and place your ticket on the dashboard
11. Don’t set a reminder to add more time to the machine because you’ll remember on your own

How to Pee

After you’ve secured a spot, you almost certainly have to relieve yourself. Luckily, there are plenty of public restrooms along the beach, courtesy of your tax dollars at work. Simply look for the concrete hut that resembles a maximum security prison.

The first stall is occupied so you try the second stall and there’s a man sleeping on the floor so you try the third stall and it’s unlocked but someone’s defecating so you try the fourth stall and there’s something in the toilet that can only be described as unspeakable so you wait in line at the first stall.

Do your business and flush the toilet using your sandaled foot. Attempt to wash your hands, and when the steel faucet doesn’t work, simply play it off.

How to Find a Spot

You almost got struck by a middle-aged woman on a rental scooter walking out of the bathroom prison hut, but now your toes are in the sand and you’re ready to snag a VIP spot under the sun!

As nice as it would be to have the beach to yourself, we have to share space here, so get ready to make some new friends! As you walk across the sand (making sure not to lacerate your foot on any glass, needles, or rocks) choose your neighbors from the following:

• The family of tourists, slathered with SPF 1,0000 sunscreen, recording their vacation via Selfie Stick®
• The family with the sunburnt, snot-crusted, screaming toddlers who can’t be pleased no matter how many fun activities their parents try coaxing them into
• The leather-skinned boomers that have spent so much time baking in the sun their faces look like catcher’s mitts
• The group of heavily-tattooed friends on a mission to drink enough Lime-A-Rita’s® to give them heart palpitations while blasting Today’s Top 40 Hits from a near-industrial size light-up speaker

Mark your territory with the shitty beach towel you stole from your parents. Try sharing your location with your friends, family, significant other, etc, etc. Realize you don’t have service. Send a text message that turns green, offering a vague description of the lifeguard stand and the striped umbrella, between which you’re sitting. Wait 1–2 hours until they arrive.

How to Have Fun

Now the party’s getting started! Opportunities abound for beach activities, no matter your preferences.

• Crack open the warm beer/vodka/tequila/seltzers you brought in your bag.
• Play frisbee until you get tired of accidentally throwing it into the ocean.
• Play beach volleyball until you succumb to a mild-to-moderate ankle sprain.
• Try to get past the first chapter of that novel you’ve been reading since April until you feel some type of rash forming on your buttocks.
• If you get too hot, wade into the good ‘ol Pacific Ocean. Exit immediately because it’s too cold (the average annual water temperature on the coast in Los Angeles is 62°F).
• Lie down and relax. Take in the sound of the LAPD helicopters flying through the sky at an altitude of 20 feet. Or the guy ringing the bell for his fruit cart within arm’s reach of your ear.
• Realize you forgot to apply sunscreen to your feet.
• Realize you need to re-pay the parking machine. Decide not to do it.

How to Be Done

It feels like you just got here, but time flies when you’re having fun at the beach!

Gather your belongings, which are covered in so much sand that you’re not even going to bother with it right now, and trek back to your car which has an internal temperature of 112°F.

Blast the air conditioning. Rummage through your bag, looking for your phone. Panic. Dump out your belongings. Cover your passenger seat with a layer of sand. Never mind, your phone was in your pocket. Burn your hand on the steering wheel. Get honked at by a couple that’s waiting to pull into your spot.

Feel your rash flare up as you inch onto the 10 freeway, promising yourself you’ll come back to the beach on a more chill day.